With all the emphasis we place on having relationships and all the tools, like matchmaking sites, for meeting new people, it seems like sometimes we forget to think about what it is that we want from a healthy relationship.Sometimes I think that all my friends and I talk about is why one of us just had such a bad date or the things that lead up to funny dating disasters. Sometimes one of us talks about the beginning of a great love affair, when everything is new and exciting, but, as most of my friends are single, the more common topic is how these great beginnings lead to such sour endings.

More and more, I’m having trouble deciding what I think a really good relationship would look like. I had a couple friends that had what I thought was a really good relationships and they were, for a while, pretty much my ideal. They were a really warm couple: affectionate, but not nauseatingly so; very much interested in each other, but not to the point where they became overly possessive of each other or made their friends uncomfortable. They were just… happy and relaxed and, moreover, their happiness was contagious.

I always wanted to be in a relationship like that and then, out of the blue, they broke up. Sometimes I think it bothered me more than it did them. I know that sounds absurd, but it was one of the few truly healthy relationships I’ve seen that wasn’t the product of an abstract ideal. It was something I could point to, something real. I think it was around the time that they broke up that I really started to be confused about what I wanted.

I’m just not sure the things I want are things that are real. I want to be with someone, be great friends as well as lovers. The thing is, I’ve gotten rather used to being on my own, not being accountable to anyone other than myself. It’s not that I can’t imagine compromising or taking an interest in what the person I’m with cares about. I’m just not sure that I’d really know how to enjoy another person sometimes.

Anyway, I’m sounding overly negative and I’ve gotten a bit off topic. I guess what started this train of thought was, simply, the idea that the first step in finding a good relationship was to try to imagine, honestly, what that would look like. I’m starting to think one of the really critical elements is to find another person with the same independent streak as I have. It’s odd to think that a good relationship involves spending time alone, but I think maybe the important thing is to be in a relationship where, when you’re spending time together, it is because you want to be and not out of habit or to meet expectations.